I have spent this last few days wondering why

[Marc Michel]

I have spent this last few days wondering why and if I can go on. I have no answers yet. I am profoundly lonely. My brain injury was undiagnosed for many years, and I struggled to make sense of why I was like this. I have trouble finding the boundary between the psychological effects of being undiagnosed and the brain injury itself. I tried for years the psychological, spiritual and nutritional/lifestyle strategies that I thought could be keys to my thriving in this world. I am nearing my 40th birthday and my 28th year after my accident. I have no sense of hope at this moment. It's not the same as when I have been depressed though. 

 

I am unsure if I can continue alone. I want love in my life, joy, acceptance and friendship. People do seem to find me entertaining, but I don't know if that means much to me. It is not the same as love and acceptance, and I feel misunderstood. There is this weird blurred line between neurology and psychology. I can sometimes say things that are unusual or tactless. I don't want to be unusual. My judgement is sometimes a bit off, so I will say something true, personal and vulnerable to someone who I should be more discreet with. I am not sure what to do. If I am more reserved, I feel isolated. If I speak freely, I get a laugh where it doesn't belong. When people see me as a character I am most alone. 

 

I am spending the next few days looking for reasons to continue, for the sake of a loved one. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I am filled with love and caring for my friends, but I feel exhausted and I want this to end. The isolation that I am feeling isn't like anybody has let me down. It is the inability to live a life that is meaningful to me. I will have to find the things I need within myself or not at all. I am most saddened by the idea of the hurt I would cause to those who love me. 

 

 

[Johnyy Rock]

i find i spend  a lot of time wondering why too, have not found my answers either, there just may be no why only what is who knows

[Zarah Grant]

i have spent the last few years wondering why, I want to know too

[Ross D]

i think all of us are there at times wondering why or how come whats happening its something we have to work through

[Andy]

I have spent months on end in the same boat, it has been a hard pit to climb out

[Heather Loufman]

i think we all wonder why, it just is what it is and we need to do the best we can, we are all miracles that we can do what we can do, celebrate what you can do and what you have, and i know how much we hurt those closest to us, but its not your fault that you could not control or understand what was happening all we can do is work on the future and be the best we can

[Ceptember Joy]

I have days like this, but it has gotten better as time has gone on, and i know that there is a reason if even some days i dont feel it, you will find your reason too when you least expected good luck my friend

[Denise Erdman]

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL IN GOD'S EYES AND ARE HERE FOR A PURPOSE..//// BELIEVE THIS AND YOU WILL BETTER UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MAY NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUT GOD DOES. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO I AM. BUT I CAN UNDERSTAND THIS:  (1) I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN; (2) MY TRUE FRIENDS ARE STILL BY MY SIDE; (3) NO ON WILL HELP YOU BUT YOURSELF; AND ........THE MOST IMPORTANT:  (4) GET OFF THE PITY TRAIN IMMEDIATELY;  IT SERVES NO PURPOSE EXCEPT TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY, MAKES YOU FEEL WORTHLESS AND USELESS.........................YOU ARE NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU SAFE! (I AM A CHRISTIAN, NOT A "HOLY ROLLER"). I HAVE HATED GOD FOR MY PLIGHT, BUT THAT'S RIDICULOUS IN THE END TOO.  PLEASE GO ON, PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD NEED YOU!

[sassy]

We have all been where you are and some of us back again , realize that we live with TBI and it lives within us . Emerson has some great insight So trust him, to guide you. I walk a fine line between the neuro and the psch as well it's the nature of the beast, the isolation, the hurt.Do give up on finding out the answers .We all have days good and bad

[Marc Michel]

Thanks so much everyone. I am coming to realize what a personal struggle TBI is, and really that in some way it isn't appropriate to discuss it with people, at least not the way that I do. I have in some way isolated myself more than I need to by being too open about it. I have made a commitment to spend the next 8 months working on things, and making sure I play along the way. I am off to the pool to swim and steam and just have something good. It is the free night at the Art Gallery and I am going to go stare at some art. I have not been taking care of myself much and frankly all the honesty I got here made me decide I need to be a bit more grown up about these things and take charge, and to do that I need to be in a good place. I will work on it and give myself some time. Thanks to all of you. Getting real answers from people who have some experience with this is great and I am happy that I have this place where I can talk about it.

[Hope]

never give up, its so normal, you are rebuilding your life and it will be good again maybe even better its all up to you but it takes time, i like emersons idea of marking the calendar be good to yourself and know its the tbi not you