I have spent this last few days wondering why and if I can go on. I have no answers yet. I am profoundly lonely. My brain injury was undiagnosed for many years, and I struggled to make sense of why I was like this. I have trouble finding the boundary between the psychological effects of being undiagnosed and the brain injury itself. I tried for years the psychological, spiritual and nutritional/lifestyle strategies that I thought could be keys to my thriving in this world. I am nearing my 40th birthday and my 28th year after my accident. I have no sense of hope at this moment. It's not the same as when I have been depressed though.
I am unsure if I can continue alone. I want love in my life, joy, acceptance and friendship. People do seem to find me entertaining, but I don't know if that means much to me. It is not the same as love and acceptance, and I feel misunderstood. There is this weird blurred line between neurology and psychology. I can sometimes say things that are unusual or tactless. I don't want to be unusual. My judgement is sometimes a bit off, so I will say something true, personal and vulnerable to someone who I should be more discreet with. I am not sure what to do. If I am more reserved, I feel isolated. If I speak freely, I get a laugh where it doesn't belong. When people see me as a character I am most alone.
I am spending the next few days looking for reasons to continue, for the sake of a loved one. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I am filled with love and caring for my friends, but I feel exhausted and I want this to end. The isolation that I am feeling isn't like anybody has let me down. It is the inability to live a life that is meaningful to me. I will have to find the things I need within myself or not at all. I am most saddened by the idea of the hurt I would cause to those who love me.