I have spent this last few days wondering why

[Marc Michel]

I have spent this last few days wondering why and if I can go on. I have no answers yet. I am profoundly lonely. My brain injury was undiagnosed for many years, and I struggled to make sense of why I was like this. I have trouble finding the boundary between the psychological effects of being undiagnosed and the brain injury itself. I tried for years the psychological, spiritual and nutritional/lifestyle strategies that I thought could be keys to my thriving in this world. I am nearing my 40th birthday and my 28th year after my accident. I have no sense of hope at this moment. It's not the same as when I have been depressed though. 

 

I am unsure if I can continue alone. I want love in my life, joy, acceptance and friendship. People do seem to find me entertaining, but I don't know if that means much to me. It is not the same as love and acceptance, and I feel misunderstood. There is this weird blurred line between neurology and psychology. I can sometimes say things that are unusual or tactless. I don't want to be unusual. My judgement is sometimes a bit off, so I will say something true, personal and vulnerable to someone who I should be more discreet with. I am not sure what to do. If I am more reserved, I feel isolated. If I speak freely, I get a laugh where it doesn't belong. When people see me as a character I am most alone. 

 

I am spending the next few days looking for reasons to continue, for the sake of a loved one. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I am filled with love and caring for my friends, but I feel exhausted and I want this to end. The isolation that I am feeling isn't like anybody has let me down. It is the inability to live a life that is meaningful to me. I will have to find the things I need within myself or not at all. I am most saddened by the idea of the hurt I would cause to those who love me. 

 

 

[Emerson]

Marc, I don't think you understand TBI depression.  The majority of what you are saying here are classic AND SERIOUS depression symptoms.

Don't take your life.  Don't even do any assessment right now.  Take a marker and mark the calendar for 6 months from now and plan to reassess everything on that date.  Then between now and that date - Let's get some help from a neuropsychologist and a rehab psychiatrist.  If you need, I can probably find out who some good people are in Vancouver.

Decide to dedicate yourself for the next six months to seeing (with help) how much you can improve your life.  Have your goal be that when you get to that mark on the calendar in six months you can look at it and say "Wow, I am so glad I stuck around to see this day and I look forward to more days!"  Or, worst case you can truly say "I have done everything in my power to improve my situation and I have been unsuccessful" - but I don't think you will find the latter to be the case.

I did the 6 month thing for myself at one point - it is the only reason I am still here.

One of the most pervasive (and dangerous) symptoms of depression is the strong feeling that things are never going to get better.  Recognize those thoughts and feelings for what they are:  A symptom of depression; not reality.

What you say above is so much of what I experienced and felt!  I had tried counseling, etc.  When things turned around was when I got to an outpatient TBI rehab clinic.  Unless you have worked with TBI rehab specialists you have NOT gotten the help you need.  Getting counseling from someone who specializes in TBI survivors is night and day different from regular counselors.

You may also need medication at first.  Don't run from that!!  Studies have now proven that being on the right antidepressants helps us remap our brain to a healthy mental state.  It gives us a leg up to change our situation and our life.

Get a hold of a book, audiobook, or ebook of The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science.  It explains how brains remap and what we can do to get them to remap in a way that works for us.  I think it is a book that every single person who has had a TBI should read or listen to.  It will help you understand how to "Change your Brain" and give you a lot of hope.  Pay special attention to Chapter 9 when he talks about counseling too.  That one helped me a lot.

As horrible as what we have to go through with TBIs and especially undiagnosed TBIs - which I, like you, had happen for way too many years - there can be silver linings to them.  I call them Blessings of a Brain Injury.  When you have the right help you will be able to move into a new life.  In my case, though I would not wish a brain injury on anyone (!), I would not be where I am and who I am without having had the TBI.  It caused me to have to shed protections and other behaviors that actually kept me from feeling love and connection.  However, I could not have gotten to this me that I am happy with without the neuropsychology counseling I received in TBI rehab.

I am not saying that my life is entirely easy.  The TBI damage still creates many challenges and hurdles, but I am dealing with them and feel positive about my life.  And, I am beginning to have the kind of relationships with people that I have longed for my whole life.  (I am 56.)

I have an external blog at http://DancingUpsideDown.com.  I am going to do a post within the next couple of days that relates to a lot of what you are questioning and what I have written here.  I will try to post a note when I do so, but please check it out or even subscribe so you will get it.

Third time posting this is hopefully a charm - the link to the book kept being weird!

[Julie]

i dont know the whys but i know that we have to move on, we dont have a choice and the how is different with all of us, making a new life is not easy but we must

[Claudio]

just the fact that you are looking for reasons is reason enough for you to continue.  I too am searching for a better world and i too have a strong effect on those around me and get isolated by my choice of convervation and unfortunately you have to accept that those around arent going to change.  For the past few years i have been repeating something i continue to hear and that is be less.  Theres a weird line in this life that is drawn by experience. its great to have it but only if its something simple...experiencing new york in the fall or florida during spring break or skiing the alps or scuba the barrier reef in australia or milking a cow or flying a kite...that is an exprience you can share and talk about to other people and they have great interest and will think the world of u, but talk about tbi and that door slams shut. 

What i'm saying is that i finally understand this be less i keep hearing and beng less is be less of you and what you go through since noone really cares unless its something they aspire to.   When i read about the experiences of others with TBI it seems that they all have a similiar outine but are still unique.  if you have a regular doc who knows your history maybe he can help you if you are havng a brain wiring problem but if you are just going into a hospital as a new patient looking for answers; i would strongly discourage that visit. 

we all want love, joy, acceptance and friendship and we all deserve it but noone is owed it and the only way to get it is to be less.  

[Kate]

you cant do it alone so you have to change that, it is going to be different than before but it can be good, get out there and evolved find a support group, and other groups and clubs of interest rebuilding our lives and building new friendships, there are people out there for us we have to go find them.  and though the past hurts and is a harsh memory in our minds we must move on and know that it takes time but the time for change is now and you can do it, it is very weird at first but remember what is feels like to be alone and isolated and create your new future.