In a few days I will celebrate (?) my 8th anniversary as being post bonk.
Saturday (last) I tried to end my life.
Well, I wasn't successful at it. But why? And with a supposed family of love and care, why was I in this place? My kids now feel that I must 'earn their trust' as though I was a child that skipped out in the night with friends or ripped off the car. They want to be able to do the dumping on me 'he said this and she said that' or 'this happened ---whhhaaaaaaaaaaaaa' or that happened 'whahahahhahahahahahawhwhwhwhhwhwwa'. But me, I am just supposed to be quiet and compliant.
Just found out my aspergers husband stopped taking his meds months ago (because he doesn't like the way they make him feel). Hum... so that is why he rolls his eyes at me so often. Maybe that explains that after 7 years, he chose the day that my herd of llamas was being moved --to go see his doctor--of which he is still not taking the meds. Wonder why I waited so long...
I wonder why the hell my timer didn't go off...
Well, I am home again... I have spent the week in an intensive emotional care group/class. It has not been simple--and it was sort of silly in some cases, but I did learn some things.
I have been doing some things right... all along. Some things haven't been HEARD. But I was talking and communicating...
Thank you for your kind words... I appreciate it very much. I am working very hard at taking better care of myself.
We will see where this all goes!
you are here for a reason, we all are and our road of pain and suffering has a purpose too, I have not found mine yet but i know its there hope we both find it soon
Thank you. I am working on doing just this--the rebuilding of my life. I STILL want my family to approve of me (I am 52 years old my GOD. Grow UP BARB!). I want them to say and see just how much work I have been doing... Not just on moving and growing but on ME.
I am finding that one of my 'triggers' is one of my kids... and she is soooo good at pushing my buttons. Blowing her 'off' (complaints, gripes, etc) is really tough for me. Workin' on it.
Something that speaks so strongly to me, is that when I DO work at taking care of myself, setting limits/boundaries the people closest to me steamroll over them. IT is FRIGHTENING how simple this is for them!!!
Having moved from my lovely (but impractical) farm over the weekend to a much smaller home in a little town on the WA coast, has been a challenge. One son, threw a two year old temper tantrum (he is 34) -- not to mention 4x4's because he felt he was not being adequately PAID for the work he was doing. I kept my temper (for the most part) but let him have it. Ungrateful fool. I know he will never 'eat his words' or apologize (this is my step-son, who has never been taught the words 'thank you' or ' I was wrong'). I hope he chokes on the check I gave him... just a little. What ever happened to FAMILY HELPING FAMILY? I do it all the time, but seems it is a one way street. UGH.
There is a treatment 'program' about 50 miles from me... I have an interview next month with them, to see if they will meet my 'needs'. Looking back further, the other program left a bunch to be desired... Maybe I am second guessing too much, but they just left me sort of 'duh'... I also must see my neuro, which is 150 miles in the other direction... not practical at all. Did I want to die, or did I just want to sleep? Am I in denial or making excuses? I dunno at this point... Truly, I wish my SUPPOSED SUPPORT SYSTEM would go to some classes and get a freakin' GRIP.
Blah! I love the new town... I am close to things but not too close. My BIRD ADORES IT. The dogs are adapting. The cat, well...she ain't happy. The husband? He is traveling... so this is better for me, since I am no longer up on a mountain 8 miles. I miss my llamas terribly. But I am settling in. And I am PROUD of myself. Very proud.
Really great points here Arthur! Thank You!
Empathy... hm.... This is something I guess I should strive for from my family--my husband most of all. He is a long term cancer survivor-so one would THINK he would have both empathy and sympathy down pat... but he doesn't. I don't expect him to 'understand' and in fact, hate it when he tells me he doesn't... because to me it just means in many ways he isn't truly trying to just BE. Be my partner... my friend. BE there for me... I wish someone would teach him that... since I certainly cannot.
Barb I am new here but wanted to say hello and tell you how much I can relate to your situation. I am so happy for the many people who have a loving family support system. I have felt the pain from the lack of support in my own family. I was seperated when I had my accident which was over 5 yrs ago. I am now 52 yrs old and live with my 2 dogs. I have difficulty criticizing my now grown children but there is somewhat of an attitude of "how is moms problem going to effect me". At one point I had an accidnetal overdose and almost died-I wanted to die though. It sounds as though you lack the family support that we all desire and need desperately.
As others have said, you are here for a reason, and a reason other than to keep the family happy. The hardest for me is finding meaningful purpose but I know that must happen to get over this hump. I do not know the seriousness of your injuries but feel a bit ashamed when I see that so many people have had much worse injuries than I but I seemed to have suffered worse depression-that makes me feel very weak. The toxicity around me has interfered with recovery and it is time to reclaim my life. I am glad to hear that you are dong the same.
wow. What a difference a change in Medication and a year makes... well, not truly a year. Nearly a year.
WOW. Now... I did not truly try to take my life. At least, that is the general feeling of all the doctors and counselors etc. I kept shaking my head... yes, the emergency room folks said that is what I did-and since they are IMPORTANT and they know ALL, I took that and said, well I guess I must have! Nope. Not truly.
I was on a medication that not only INCREASED HEAD PAIN--can someone say STUPID DOCTOR??? It also did add to suicidal issues. I took pain meds, til I was so out of IT, that I had NO clue what I was doing, but what I was doing was not working, and since I had not slept in weeks I forgot that I had taken extra pain meds, and did nearly die. Here are the lessons I learned:
a) if increased unusual pain comes around--which is tough to detect when you cope with daily PAIN--don't ignore it, and slap your family members is they just blow it off, as my hubs did... Pain? She is always (in) a pain. :)
b) We are really bad at memory! I can't remember the dangers given on the three sheets of paper given with various meds. Have someone make notes for complications on your pill minder! IN BIG RED LETTERS. And have them include the doctors names and phone numbers. This could have easily saved me going thru this.
c) stop 'shoulding on yourself'. Give yourself a BREAK.
d) there is more, but I can't reeeeallly think of it right now.
SO. How am I NOW? I am good. I miss my critters horridly. But. I have moved from the mountain (and total isolation) to an in town situation. YES, the husband is still in the picture, but I have gotten MORE people in my life now, so if I am in medical trouble, he is not the only person I have to depend on. Cuz he ain't dependable!!!!!!!! LOL I get out at least every other day--to go the the Y to work out, meet with people, etc. I have gotten active in my community--both here with the TBI FAMILY and also in the community we chose to move to. My head pain has changed REMARKABLY. I live in a coastal community now, and the lack of barometric pressure changes AND the coastal air has made a huge difference in my health. That has allowed me to begin a tremendous walking program. Which ALL kicks back to making my life better!
Kids? They are still cautious with me. I think there are times they are still frustrated with me--and duh, I get frustrated with them. ah... NORMAL. Yes, they hurt my heart some times. Yes. I probably do the same. Yet we come back and still love one another. I am not going to say it has all been flowers and light. NOPE. But I am more able to COPE.
Was what I learned in hospital/outpatient therapy valued. OK--not really. it was not a TBI program. They put me in with addicts. I was NOT an addict. I am NOT an addict. dumbdumbdumb.
I wonder how many people have gotten the wrong medication and lost their battle to this? I am praising GOD and my wonderful family and friends for the growth and love I have had in the last year. Thank you.
Hello Barb, great news from you. Glad to hear that most days/times and good days/times.
Well we are here for u. I have no family to support me so I just come here. I am new and came here for support as I get tired of people not understanding me either. Just do the best u can and make lots of notes. I have gotten better with neuriofeedback but is slow since I am 55 years old. I have gone for about 1 1/2 yrs and it has helped me more than anything I have done for my head injury. I have frontal lobe damage. Hope things keep improving for u also.
HEY THERE CINDY!!!
I sure hope you read from the bottom here... and not from the top. I am MUCH better now. Not perfect, in any way, but then I wasn't perfect BEFORE either! :) It has been a year since I wrote that very first note... and I have updated it recently. Just wanted to be sure you knew that.
I know exactly how you feel--about people not understanding. Most still don't get me. Some do. Family? Naw. Some try, but they truly don't get it. My prayers are that someday they will have that lightbulb come on--but I am not going to hold my breath. One thing I have done--and maybe this is helping (!) is that when I do meet another person who is a brain injury survivor--I am really so upbeat about knowing them and share that with the fam, that they can hardly NOT notice something. I went to a picnic in June (the global picnic) where some folks were better off than me, and others, were just NOT. My husband went with me... and I shared with him in the car, that "there by the grace of God, go I". THAT he got. Maybe that helps. I don't know. I am lucky in the fact that I AM still able to walk--although I am a bit wobbly. I CAN still work the stove (though have to be real careful and not do too much at once). I can read, though I do not recall much at all. There ARE some things I can do...
We are nearly the same age...you and I. And as well--I have frontal (left) damage. It is good to talk with you. Thank you for your good thoughts!!!