Are you in an abusive relationship?

[Vicky Varichak]

I read a TBI survivor’s story this week, not on here, the story was about a fellow who was injured at work and ended up unable to return to work. His wife worked part-time and after his injury she went to work full-time. His wife had always been a bit jealous and controlling, but after her husband's TBI she became even more so. She controlled the income (including his disability income) and the automobile, and the phone etc. etc. Little by little she put barriers in the way of him having any life away from their home. It seems that because he had changed in many ways after the accident she became obsessed with the idea that he would someday abandon her. Whenever anyone outside of their immediate family reached out to him she made her husband very uncomfortable by criticizing his choice of friends - eventually he gave up trying to have any contacts outside. He stopped attending the support groups he had become a part of after his accident. He stopped answering letters, emails, and phone calls.

One day she came home to discover that she had been right all along, he did abandon her!- he took his own life.

If she had gotten help and someone had intervened on her abusive behavior - maybe she'd still have her best friend with her?

Here are the signs of an abusive relationship, if you see that you are experiencing any of these, seek help, you owe it to yourself and to your partner who may need some serious help themselves!

  

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings	Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Do   you:    feel afraid of your        partner much of the time?    avoid certain topics        out of fear of angering your partner?    feel that you can’t do        anything right for your partner?    believe that you        deserve to be hurt or mistreated?    wonder if you’re the        one who is crazy?    feel emotionally numb        or helpless?	Does   your partner:    humiliate or yell at        you?    criticize you and put        you down?    treat you so badly        that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?    ignore or put down        your opinions or accomplishments?    blame you for their        own abusive behavior?    see you as property or        a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats	Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does   your partner:    have a bad and        unpredictable temper?    hurt you, or threaten        to hurt or kill you?    threaten to take your        children away or harm them?    threaten to commit        suicide if you leave?    force you to have sex?           destroy your        belongings?	Does   your partner:    act excessively        jealous and possessive?    control where you go        or what you do?    keep you from seeing        your friends or family?    limit your access to        money, the phone, or the car?    constantly check up on        you

 

[mary lutz]

Having any disability or having low self esteem for any reason will leave us much more vulnerable for abusive relationships and tolerating abusive behaviors in others. A very sad topic but also very real.

Since my tbi, I have been in 2 very abusive relationships, the last ended with the boyfriend being arrested with 3 loaded guns and 2 knives. I have not gotten into a relationship since and it has been 2 years. When we feel less than, it is no wonder that we become willing to accept less and the abuse can be very insidious.  I have always been vulnerable to this and not because of brain injury, but I had learned to not take responsibility for others bad behavior. After tbi, its as though I have forgotten.

I am sorry to say they are all around me, from siblings, to children, to potential partners and friends. Its more on a continuim, not all or none.  Thank you for this post as it is very valuable. The story hit the point right on.

[Vicky Varichak]

Mary you have so much courage - I admire your insight!

I think that people who may have never had any history with abusive relationships certainly are more at risk if they have had a TBI. I wanted to share this because I don't think that some people realize that the "controlling" behavior can be just the "tip of the iceberg", and it can often, and does, get worse over time. Also I think that people who become "abusive" don't always realize that's what is happening. Anyone who has ever had any abuse, in any form, has the behavior imprinted and under the right circumstances could emerge as an abuser or become re-victimized. Knowledge can be power and reviewing those signs and symptoms might be all a person needs to interrupt the cycle before it goes too far.